{Irruption}: an invasion of birds in unusual places

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Birth at KMHoF
Photo by Nancy Lear

Lewis Mock teased the crowd with a bit of Hendrix-style “Star Spangled Banner” on his red Gibson guitar, before pouncing on the riff of Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water.” Bill Warshaw set the tempo on the high hat of his DW drum set. Chris Cave joined the groove on his Nord Electro 4 keyboard as Bill drummed that steady beat we all knew and loved. And last, but not least, Jonathon Jambor jumped in on his Fender bass. Had we gone back in time? Was it 1969? Had we stepped behind a magic curtain in order to watch Birth, the band we loved during our adolescent years, perform live in Dodge City, Kansas? No! We weren’t in some Dorothy-induced-dream sequence; we were watching Birth perform live at Liberty Hall in Lawrence, Kansas, for the 2018 Kansas Music Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony (KMHoF). Birth friends and family members were ready to rock.

Birth at Liberty Hall
Photo by Nancy Lear

Lewis, Bill, Chris, and Jonathon showed their passion for playing rock and roll music at an early age in Dodge City, Kansas. Their moms were best friends, they lived near each other, and they all shared a deep love of music. Birth began playing gigs in 1966/1967. Dodge City is known for its history, infamy, and its hazy-filtered stories depicted on television (Gunsmoke), movies (Dodge City, circa 1939 with Errol Flynn), and countless fictional tales. Tom Clavin’s excellent book Dodge City details the town from an historical perspective, and Robert Rebein’s books Headlights on the Prairie and Dragging Wyatt Earp provide an insider’s look as to what it was like growing up in Dodge City during the seventies and eighties. For most people around my age growing up in the fifties, sixties, and seventies in Dodge City, dragging Wyatt Earp was a rite of passage. The hotter and faster the car, the better for driving down the famously-named boulevard. But there was more to life than boyfriends, fast cars, and living in a town where Boot Hill was a major tourist attraction: Music roared from our car stereos and radios as we cruised the streets of Dodge City. In dance halls and church basements, we discovered things about ourselves that our imaginations were just beginning to intuit as we listened to live music.

Photo provided by Jonathon Jambor

Hometown bands such as Friar Tuck and The Monks (KMHoF Class of 2008) and Birth rocked our world at various venues in town, and our parents were allowed some peace and quiet (“Turn down that stereo!”) while we moved and grooved to live music. Although home stereos, car radios, or 8-track tape players provided reliable ways for listening to our favorite music, there was something magical about listening to a live band play music. Plus, if a boy asked a girl to dance, well, that was the coolest thing ever. Otherwise, we stood in place, clapped along to the beat, and sang along to the lyrics to the songs we knew and loved. Birth made those songs live and breathe.

According to Chris Cave, Birth was “always a cover band. We played songs that people knew. We bought records at Ben Franklin and at Eckles Record Department. We played songs we liked. We wanted to get people singing and dancing and just engaging with us and each other. Music was a door to the world beyond Dodge City during those times.” Not only did Birth provide a door into possibilities for life elsewhere, for those of us who loved listening to Birth, we did our chores and homework, and followed house rules just so our parents would give us a ride to listen to Birth play music. We wanted to be with our friends, and we wanted to hear rock and roll music.

Birth fans with Chris Cave at the DoubleTree Inn
Photo by Nancy Lear

In Daniel J. Levitin’s book This Is Your Brain On Music, he suggests that “when we are young, and in search of our identity, we form bonds or social groups with people whom we want to be like, or whom we believe we have something in common with. As a way of externalizing the bond, we dress alike, share activities, and listen to the same music…This ties us into the evolutionary idea of music as a vehicle for social bonding and societal cohesion” (231). My friends and I knew that if we showed up somewhere Birth was playing the songs we loved that we would be surrounded by like-minded people. We could dance to the beat, sing along to the songs, and for an hour or two, experience the joy of being with people who mattered to us. As Charles Fernyhough reminds us in Pieces of Light, “Songful memories show how closely the making of autobiographical memories is linked to our sensory and emotional experience of the world” (55). We didn’t know it then, but we were creating memories that we would be able to relive much later in life.

As years passed and people left Dodge City and went their separate ways, Birth continued to play gigs, although I was never able to attend one prior to my high school reunion in 2013. During our reunion weekend, we reconnected with old friends, and we enjoyed the fabulous music of Birth as they rocked the Dodge House on a Saturday night. (Please read “Reunion” from October 2013 on this blog for more of that story.) Almost five years had passed since I had last seen Birth perform live, so I was very excited about hearing them play again.

Birth at the DoubleTree
Photo by Nancy Lear

On Friday night in Lawrence, Kansas, the DoubleTree Inn provided the venue for an acoustic performance by Birth. Other bands played before Birth, and we cheered those bands on as we chatted with old friends. When Birth finally took the stage, floor space in front of a pool table, fan mania erupted. It was if we were back in junior high, only we were all much older and hopefully wiser. We still knew the words to the songs, we could still dance, and no one can out hoot and holler a group of Dodge City fans when they are in the zone. According to Chris Cave, Birth “winged it throughout the entire acoustic jam. Lewis would not tell us in advance what songs we were going to play, but he drove that bastard home. It turned out to be one of the peak experiences I’ve ever had playing with Birth. Playing acoustically was something we had never done before, and it actually inspired us to think about what it really means to be Birth.” Lewis said that for Friday night’s gig, they “didn’t have a plan. I just played whatever came to mind. For the first song, I told Chris I was going to play in the key of E, so he could have the correct harmonica. I thought of ‘Get Back.’ They guys had no idea what I was going to play.” Well, for the Birth fans in the audience, we felt as if we were watching the well-oiled machine we knew and loved.

To close out the evening, Lewis led the band into an old Beatles song, “Blackbird,” and when he sang “you were always waiting for this moment to arise,” I felt a shiver of the past run through my veins. Paul McCartney’s inspiration for the song he wrote in 1968 was the civil rights movement and what was happening in Little Rock at the time. As Lewis sang the song, I flashed back to the turbulent times of the sixties when we watched the evening news with our parents and wondered what was going to happen next. Would we grow up in a world so full of despair and war? What would our future hold? Music seemed to be the key to whatever would happen in our lives, and protest songs and love songs both had a place in our music repertoire. We learned to get through our days with music as our main medicine.

After Birth played the final notes of “Blackbird,” and finished their acoustic set, my friend Gretchen and I returned to our hotel. After a night of sleep, and then running around Lawrence on Saturday morning, we headed to Free State Brewing next to Liberty Hall for the Birth “Meet and Greet.” The room was packed. We mingled, laughed, and cheered the members of Birth on, promising to be out in full force for the induction ceremony. We did not let them down. We headed to Liberty Hall and positioned ourselves close to the dance floor. Where else?

When Kathy Quinn from Fox 4 News in Kansas City introduced the band before Lewis Mock’s induction speech, we were thrilled at seeing our hometown band up on stage under the big lights receiving this great recognition. When Birth took the stage again a bit later for their thirty-minute set, the “sea of birth” as Erin Mock, Lewis Mock’s daughter referred to us, we moved and swayed as if we were ocean waves rolling into shore. How appropriate that Birth would begin their set with “Smoke on the Water” by Deep Purple. Fernyhough says that “A song that might have been heard many hundreds of times can nevertheless send the listener back in time to its first hearing” (54). Oh, I stepped through that time machine, and it was 1972. Damn, it was good to be alive, and here I was with some of the same friends I had back then. Dancing. Singing. In the music zone.

Birth Introduction by Kathy Quinn
Photo by Nancy Lear

Since the band only had a thirty-minute time slot, they had to be tight. According to Bill Warshaw, they could see the clock timing down from the stage, and they “used the whole thirty minutes.” The band played Spirit’s “1984,” the Stones’ “Jumping Jack Flash,” (where we were literally jumping), Free’s “All Right Now,” Mountain’s “Mississippi Queen,” the Beatles “You Can’t Do That,” Cream’s “Crossroads,” and Led Zeppelin’s “Good Times Bad Times” before ripping into “Born to be Wild” by Steppenwolf. We had this. As one Birth fan told Lewis, “Birth was the soundtrack of my life.”

Sea of Birth fans
Photo by Nancy Lear

As the members of Birth left the stage, I felt as if had run a half marathon again. I was both exhausted and exhilarated. Some of us took a short break from the action even though there was much more music by other inductees to follow. I had to go outside to breathe in some fresh Kansas air. I knew that I had witnessed and been part of something truly wonderful. Not only was I lucky enough to be in the company of such great music fans, but I was thrilled for the members of Birth and the recognition they so richly deserved for their musicianship, their love of entertaining, and their heartfelt desire to connect to their fans.

For the fans, we headed our separate ways the next day, with our promises to get together soon, and to stay in touch. For the members of Birth, parting was also bittersweet. Chris Cave said that “The moment was book-ended: from the moment I started practicing at home for this event, to the Sunday morning that we travelled home and had a brief hug and goodbye at breakfast. That was a moment! And a tough one at that.” I can only imagine. I did suggest to Bill Warshaw that the band should get a bus and go out on tour. After all, why break up such a good thing? Friends? Family? Great music? That Dodge City blood running through our veins? He said, “Sure, and we’ll get Tara Hufford to paint the bus in a hippie theme.” Sounds good to me. Birth fans will be ready to roll. I have my red dancing shoes ready to go.

Liner Notes

What does it mean to you to be an inductee into the KMHoF?

Lewis: To be voted in, put on the ballot, be inducted, and to have so many people show up blew my mind. It was overwhelming and beautiful.

Bill: I guess to be there with all of that other real talent like Kansas, Melissa Etheridge, and Mike Finnigan (to name a few) is just plain humbling.

Jonathon: I admit this event was completely off my radar. As Lewis said in his acceptance speech, Birth was really all about sharing the music we loved with our friends. We didn’t do it for the money or notoriety—or even to bug grownups. We weren’t trying to change the world or make any kind of statement. We just loved playing those songs for all of you. And the $1 at the door thing? We just did it because that’s what you did at a concert. Heck, we would have done it for nothing. What will we do with this accolade? Personally, I will ask for an additional fifty bucks when we offer to play for next year’s prom at Minneola.

Chris: It’s such an honor. It strikes me as phenomenal the way we came in. Other bands have CDs, posters, promo photos, a website, Facebook page, YouTube videos, etc., and we didn’t have any of that. We never did this for fame and fortune. They (KMHoF) opened doors for us. They didn’t even know if we could perform, but we promised them we could! They took us at our word and couldn’t deny the amazing support of our fans, from the overwhelming number of votes we got from our Fanbase. Friends and families helped us gain access into the KMHoF. As Lewis says, it was as close to the Grammys as he, or any of us, was going to get.”

What moment during the induction ceremony stands out as “the” moment?

Chris: The whole thing was a moment.

Jonathon: Well, to begin with, my musical tastes have changed a lot. I still like music from the 60s, but not of the 1960s, but rather that of the 1560s. I am much more into hymnody than popular music these days. I would have to say that the most touching part of the weekend wasn’t the induction ceremony itself, but seeing so many old friends there: It was very touching.

Bill: One memorable moment for me was on Friday when we rehearsed at Stan Herd’s studio, and his friend Stanley Sheldon showed up. Sheldon was the bass player for Tommy Bolin and Peter Frampton on the Comes Alive album. He is currently touring with Grand Funk Railroad. Needless to say that I was a little nervous when he showed up.

Birth with Sidney Sheldon at Stan Herd’s studio
Photo by Nancy Lear

Lewis: The minute I played the first chord on my guitar for the first song. I thought are we really freaking doing this? I looked at the guys and wondered how did we get here? All of my life I have dreamed of playing on the stage at Liberty Hall. I went to high school in Lawrence and graduated from Lawrence High School. I also went to KU for a while, and I saw so many shows there. I grew up as a kid in Dodge listening to KOMA radio out of Oklahoma City, and they were always advertising the ‘Red Dog Inn’ (now called ‘Liberty Hall’) in Lawrence where The Fabulous Flippers played as well as the Roaring Red Dogs and many other of the great Mid-Continent Bands. As a kid, my mom worked with The Fabulous Flippers, and I worshipped them. I always dreamed of playing music on that stage, and now I have. It was a dream come true.

KMHoF Induction Speech
Photo by Nancy Lear


Jerry and the F-Stops

Photo of Jerry and the F-Stops at the Log Slide Cove by Sandi Beaudoin

We are not a rock band, but we could be. Collectively, we are four women who love taking photographs. Sandi Beaudoin, Jeannie Dow, Jo Przygocki, and I have all taken photography classes from Jerry Meier of Meier Camera in Midland, Michigan, so that we can improve as photographers. After six years of asking, Jo finally convinced Jerry to take a class on the road to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Our first stop was Mackinaw City, where we lined up along the shore, set up our tripods, and began shooting pictures. From the challenge of photographing a lit-up Mackinac Bridge while a freighter slid magnificently underneath, to the gentle morning fog and mist percolating above the Upper Tahquamenon Falls, we were focused. I, however, felt like my camera and I were on two different planets. Suddenly, it was exam time, and my brain decided to take a vacation.

Besides my brain being on a separate vacation than my body, I was in pain. I had received two steroid shots the day before, one in my leg and one in my groin, for a nagging injury that is now celebrating its one-year anniversary. I only have myself to blame. Trying to run through an injury is a very bad idea. Since I haven’t been able to run a road race for months now, or even run on the road, my endorphins are at an all-time low. Somehow this lack of a natural high has also affected just about everything else I do. While I stood on the beach with four fabulous photographers attempting to take a shot of the freighter American Integrity going under the bridge as the sky began to darken, I had a case of brain freeze and fumble fingers. Shutter speed? Aperture? Manual? Program? Define those terms! Use in a sentence! By the time I figured out what I should do, the sky was dark, and the freighter was halfway to Gary, Indiana. We packed up our gear and moved on.

Photo by Joann Przygocki

Photo of the Mackinac Bridge and the American Integrity by Joann Przygocki

Our next stop was the Headlands International Dark Sky Park. After a short four-mile drive, we parked, loaded up our gear, and walked a mile along a spacious path to the shoreline along Lake Michigan. We quickly learned that we should not leave a lantern on, because a voice from the dark will shout “turn your light off.” We also discovered that setting up our tripods while it was still light out would have been very advantageous, because the dark sky park is really, really, dark, and you can use only the tiny red lights on your headlamp. Later, Jeannie said that “learning the relationship between the shutter speed, ISO, and aperture in order to achieve the star trails” from Jerry was crucial in being able to get the shot she wanted. Once again, I learned that I tend to panic when under pressure. The clouds moved in, we packed up our gear, and walked back to the van. It was time to take off our Troll hats (people living south of the Mackinac Bridge) and journey to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula and join the Yoopers.

Photo by Sandi Beaudoin

Photo of the Headlands International Dark Sky Park by Sandi Beaudoin

Jo drove us through the night as we made our way towards Paradise, and we began to wonder if “Almost Paradise” was more than just a song. We made our turn and headed to Tahquamenon Falls. We arrived shortly after midnight and settled into the cabin Jo had rented for us near the Upper Falls. With no television or Wi-Fi, we enjoyed the sound of our own laughter and stories.
The next morning, we headed towards Munising for our first attempt at shooting waterfalls. Although all of us had taken photos of waterfalls, Jerry was with us, and we would be able to ask questions and make the necessary adjustments to our camera settings on the spot. Since it was a Saturday, the Munising Falls area was filled with photographers and sightseers. After deciding we had the shots we wanted, we headed to the parking area. Park Ranger Cheryl Debelak provided us with some wonderful suggestions as to where we might want to go next. We explained that I was injured, and so long hikes were out of the question. After brief stops at Miners Falls, Miners Castle Overlook, and Chapel Falls, we worked our way to the Log Slide Overlook, one of my favorite places in Michigan’s UP.

Photo of Jerry, Jo, and Jean at Miners Falls in Munising by Sandi Beaudoin

Photo of Jerry, Jo, and Jean at Miners Falls by Sandi Beaudoin

Photo of Miner's Arch by Jeannie Dow

Photo of Miners Castle by Jeannie Dow

The Pictured Rocks area along Lake Superior is difficult to describe because it is so beautiful, and depending on where you stand, hike, sit, or camp, the terrain can be spectacularly different. At the small overlook above Lake Superior, you can see Au Sable Point and its lighthouse off to your left, and the Grand Sable Banks to your right. At one spot along the trail, the dunes seem to drop off right into Lake Superior. Hiking down to Lake Superior at this point is not for the faint of heart.

Photo of Sandi and Jerry at Log Slide Cove by Jeannie Dow

Photo of Sandi and Jerry at Log Slide Cove by Jeannie Dow

Sandi, Jeannie, Jerry, and Jo set up their cameras

Photo of Sandi, Jeannie, Jerry, and Jo setting up their cameras at the Log Slide by Melissa Seitz

Photo of Au Sable Point Lighthouse by Joann Przygocki

Photo of Au Sable Point Lighthouse by Joann Przygocki

As we headed away from the Log Slide, and off towards Grand Marais along H-58, we continued our discussion of what worked and what didn’t work for our photos, referenced songs we liked, and told stories. At some point during our adventure, Jeannie had referred to us as “Jerry and the F-Stops,” and the name fit us like a lens cap. After taking a few shots of the lighthouse in Grand Marais, and, once again, me listening to a complete stranger telling me what I should be doing (How do I attract these people?), we headed to the Lake Superior Brewing Company for dinner and drinks.

Although the place was packed and out of whitefish (WHAT?), we had a great meal and adult beverage of our choice. We also wrote our names on the bathroom door, all with the assistance of our waitress who provided us with a Sharpie. I have never seen a bathroom and its door covered in so many names! If you are ever at the restaurant, look for our names. We are famous now. We went to the gas station across the street where the attendant seemed unaware of the old adage that one should never smoke a cigarette next to someone gassing up a vehicle. Apparently he hasn’t blown anyone up yet. We drove back to our cabin at Taquamenon Falls and relaxed. We had an early photo shoot planned for the morning.

Photo by Sandi Beaudoin

Photo by Sandi Beaudoin

Our last morning in the UP proved to be cloudy and misty. We headed to the falls. We were the first vehicle in the parking lot, and as we walked along the path, we began to hear the sweet sounding roar of the falls. I set up my tripod from above the falls while the rest of the group headed down about 100 stairs to shoot closer to the falls. I was jealous. I cursed my leg, my stupidity, and my stubbornness, and then I attempted to photograph the falls.

While alone, the more pictures I tried to shoot, the more frustrated I became. I got out my notes, and I tried to get my brain to work. When the group came up from the falls, I complained that I absolutely could not get a good shot. Jerry immediately looked at my camera settings and explained what I needed to do. I breathed a sigh of relief, and we headed to another part of the falls.

While the group, once again, climbed down to another vantage point below the falls, I focused my camera from an overlook facing the top of the falls. This time I got the shot I wanted. Although I have yet to get one of those dreamy waterfall pictures that Jeannie, Jo, and Sandi are so good at taking, I know that I will get one eventually. As Sandi said during one of our discussions on the trip, learning to “take my time and do the math,” is essential to taking a good shot. Clearly this is something that I need to work on.

We stopped briefly at Whitefish Point and shot a few photos before beginning our drive home. Our conversations in the car were also instructive as we reflected on what we learned. We also pondered non-photographic knowledge such as the amazing number of songs that have the words “sunshine” or “rain” in them, the five things men and women should never say to each other, and we discussed our plans for the immediate future after our weekend.

Photo of Tahquamenon Falls by Jo Przygocki

Photo of Tahquamenon Falls by Jo Przygocki

Photo of Tahquamenon Falls by Jeannie Dow

Photo of Tahquamenon Falls by Jeannie Dow

Photo of Tahquamenon Falls by Sandi Beaudoin

Photo of Tahquamenon Falls by Sandi Beaudoin

Tahquamenon Falls by Melissa Seitz

Photo of Tahquamenon Falls by Melissa Seitz

There is something to be said for taking the show on the road, and the benefit of having the teacher along to guide you on your way. Being with friends I happened to meet along my journey into photography was the best part of all. This made me think of the creative writing classes I used to teach at Saginaw Valley State University, and the connection between nature and writing. I tried to take my classes outside at least once a semester, and I wish I had done this more. The similarities to taking photographs are quite apparent. For me, the creative process works best, despite repeated failures in taking photographs or receiving rejections on poems or essays I have submitted for publication, when I am living and breathing my subject matter. When Jerry taught our classes in Midland, we did not spend all of our time in the classroom and talk about pictures. Instead, we were out in the field shooting pictures of a full moon rising, car lights, sunsets, people, and buildings with unique architecture. What is it about the interaction between nature and humans that subconsciously forces us to get our creative juices flowing?

I imagine most of us have pored over photographs remembering the people in the photos, reminiscing about the landscape, and telling stories about the time someone did something memorable enough to warrant bringing out the camera to shoot a picture. What if you are in the photograph? How does that alter your perception of the moment? Do your memories instantly trigger at the moment of recognition? What if you were not in the photo, but, instead, were the photographer? How will your memory store the moment? After three days of shooting photographs with this group of photographers, not only do I have photographic evidence of my trip, but I also have a new appreciation for the art of photography. Sandi said it best: “The more you learn, the more you realize what you don’t know.” My learning curve has been as steep as a Sleeping Bear Dunes Climb.

Ten years from now, I can only imagine what my memories will be of this particular moment, or the stories I will tell about my weekend with Jerry and the F-Stops. In the song “Photograph,” by Ringo Starr, he suggests that “all I’ve got is this photograph.” Sometimes that can be a beautiful thing. Freeze Frame.


Debbie with her Graston tool on my right leg

Debbie with her Graston tool on my right leg

Linda Ronstadt’s version of Warren Zevon’s “Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me” popped into my head the minute I figured out that I was no longer able to heal myself. In October of 2015, I made the mistake of stepping awkwardly off of a friend’s porch as I turned to wave goodbye. The minute my right foot hit the ground, I knew I had injured my body. I didn’t fall. Perhaps I should have. Despite the obvious pain in my leg, hip, thigh, quad, hamstring, screaming muscles, and pride, I figured I would rest a few days, stretch more, and get over it. For the next few months, I alternated walking and running. I knew my gait was wrong. Occasionally on hills, my right leg collapsed. I was in running denial. After a fairly decent four-mile run on January 23rd, my body suddenly seized up like a broken corkscrew. After a series of x-rays showed that my spine was fine, my doctor informed me that I would have to have physical therapy. I headed home and sang to myself: “Poor, poor, pitiful me.”

This wouldn’t be my first dance with physical therapy. About twelve years ago, I hurt my back shoveling snow and had to go to PT for six weeks and attend back school. During the first week of intense pain caused by a bulging disc, I was in a Vicodin-induced euphoric stage. I liked it a little too much. After being stretched out on a rack-like bed, learning exercises that would help me get stronger, and finding out ways to rake leaves and shovel snow without hurting my back, I finally recovered. I no longer wanted to sleep on the floor. I could drive a stick shift again without wincing as I changed gears. Spring came. Birds sang. I could run again. And then one day I found out I could not float through the air. Hadn’t my mother always warned me to watch where I was going? Although I didn’t fall, the minute my right foot hit the ground, I knew I was in trouble. Ouch.

In early February, my doctor listened to me recite my excuses for not coming in four months earlier. She didn’t even roll her eyes at me. After listening to me whine for a few minutes, she gave me a prescription for Cyclobenzaprine and Naproxen to help with the pain. I took the Naproxen for four days, before I decided to quit. All I could think about was drinking Pepto Bismol straight from the bottle. I didn’t even try the other drug. I wanted to embrace my pain. The following week I headed to my PT assessment, and I was told me that I would run again, but I had four weeks of PT to look forward to. My iliotibial band was a mess. Let the exercises begin.

As part of my daily routine, I work out twice-daily to strengthen my core, hips, hamstrings, quads, and thighs. I work out the elliptical trainer. I walk slowly. After almost four weeks of physical therapy at a facility in Houghton Lake, I have developed a love-hate relationship with my physical therapist. When I told her I was going to write about her for my blog, I asked her if I should use an alias for her name since she obviously was the Sweeney Todd of the PT world. She laughed and said I could call her Debbie.

Debbie, despite being a wonderful PT, introduced me to the world of the Graston Technique®. This particular use of stainless steel instruments used to break up scar tissue is guaranteed to locate your sore spots and make you sit up, see stars, and wish you had been smarter a long time ago. With apologies to Bryan Adams, “it cuts like a knife.” My Graston tool looks like a very large knife. The tool leaves bruises. Debbie promises me that she is breaking down the knots in my iliotibial band. These unwanted knots formed in my muscles while I was stupidly trying to heal myself. They are nasty. They hurt. They are the three stooges of my nightmares, and I can feel them when I try and massage them on a regular routine. I think of beer. I think of chocolate. I think of swimming in the ocean with sharks. Poor, poor pitiful me.

A few days after I started PT and was firmly entrenched in my pitiful mood, I went to the Winterläufe race in Frankenmuth with my son. I had signed up for the race, but since I had zero chance of running or walking the 8k race, I decided to go along and cheer on my son and take pictures. This was a new experience for me. I am not used to the sidelines during road races. Matt placed third in his age group and won a cowbell. I have never wanted a cowbell so much in my life. I now stare at people running on the roads with envy and despair.

On March 1st, the folks at PT will assess my body to see if I need more PT, or if I can work out on my own. Last week, I asked Debbie if I could at least walk the Bay City St. Patrick’s Day race, and she, in turn, asked me if I could walk without being competitive. Umm, sure, I said. I can teach my body to stroll. I told her I had walked 2.5 miles on the road recently and had walked fifteen-minute miles, and it seemed really slow. I even made a playlist that has more mellow songs on it. Debbie didn’t seem convinced that I could participate in a race and take it easy.

I guess my stubbornness and my inability to be patient got the better of me this time. I miss swearing at inattentive drivers on the road. I miss the endorphin rush that kicks in when I run. Instead, I work out inside and dream about the day I can run again. I do my exercise routine while I listen to the blues. I think about what that first run is going to be like when I get the go ahead. I will pretend that Debbie is chasing me with the Graston tool.


Melissa and Pat

Melissa and Pat

Clarapy: Clarity + therapy. During a phone conversation with my friend Darcy one day, one in which I was extremely stressed out, I tried to thank her for giving me clarity and free therapy. In a fortuitous slip of the tongue, I uttered “clarapy.” Since I have invented a new word, I guess I have to define it now that it is part of my daily lexicon. As Ray Charles, Humble Pie, and others have attested to in song, “I don’t need no doctor.” They insist they need their “baby,” but what I think they really needed was some clarapy.

Clarity: Lucidity. Understanding. Therapy: Treatment for some sort of disorder whether physical or mental. When I can’t figure out things for myself, I reach out to my friends. True friends. The kind of friends that put up with my crazy. In my case, they understand that there is a 100% chance I will swear, and they still answer my phone calls. I know, in turn, my friends will almost certainly need some clarapy from me during stressful events in their lives. I will listen for as long as they need to talk.

Since a falling out with one of my closest friends almost three years ago, I have been examining friendship relationships more than ever. I learned a lot from books about friendship and my own fractured friendship. True friendship involves a willingness to put up with each other’s junk. The crazy stuff. The “I-can’t-believe-you-did-that” moments. And, in turn, I must put up with their crazy. Clarapy is part of the deal.

In late January, my husband and I went to Florida. His mother was having some health issues, but under our care, she seemed to be improving. We went ahead with our previously made plans. I had agreed to power walk the Melbourne Music Half Marathon with my friend Pat. Despite the fact that I had zero training for a half-marathon, unless you count endless workouts on my elliptical trainer in Michigan, I agreed to give it a try. After all, I had run four half marathons in the past, so I figured I could pull off power walking one without any problem. After all, I had nine days in Florida to train before the race.

Around mile ten on race day, after Pat and I had maintained an under 14 minute-per-mile-pace for the entire race, I realized I had blisters the size of silver dollars on the bottoms of both feet. I also discovered that I had forgotten to put anti-chafing balm on my right arm. Where my arm had rubbed against my tank top, I had a blister/bruise the size of Lake Okeechobee. At mile twelve, Pat and I clocked a 13:29 mile. At the end of the race, I showed Pat my blisters and bruises while I gulped down pizza and beer. She asked why I had never complained during the race. I wondered about that for days and days afterwards while I nursed my sore body back to health. When my mother-in-law’s health suddenly took a dramatic turn and ended up in the hospital, I thought about this more and more.

After a particularly stressful day, I sat outside in the warm Florida sunshine as the sun began to set. A woman across the street rode her three-wheeled bicycle, circling a parking lot. Around and around she went as a small terrier rode in a white basket on the front of her bicycle. For some reason, I felt insanely jealous of this woman. I wanted her bicycle and her dog. What was wrong with me? Logically, I knew I wanted my mother-in-law to heal quickly. I wanted to ease my husband’s pain and stress. After watching me cope with my mother’s Alzheimer’s and my father’s dementia and cancer, a period of about six very stressful years, my husband understood all too clearly the crazy that comes with caring for an elderly parent. It can be the loneliest feeling in the world. I needed to be strong for him. How could I provide clarapy for my husband when all I wanted was to steal a woman’s bicycle and her dog?

Typically, a good run or a power walk works sufficiently for waking up those feel-good endorphins and prevents me from committing a crime. Despite the fact that the hot weather in Florida was the extreme opposite of Michigan’s frozen-lakes-in-winter syndrome with temperatures and wind chills in the negative thirties, I was miserable, but I wasn’t sure what would untangle the threads of craziness circling through my amygdala. I gave a little spin on Pure Prairie League’s song “Amie,” and sang, “Amy G, what you wanna do?” The answer seemed obvious: clarapy. I sent out a few text messages, and that’s when my friends began to offer up their own special brands of medicine.

Phone calls. Emails. Cards. Friends driving across the state of Florida to hang out with us and search for manatees. Eventually, my mother-in-law was in a rehab facility, and we were invited up the coast to stay with friends for several days. We were still just a short car ride away from my mother-in-law. In addition, I had long phone conversations with several Michigan friends where I ranted and raved about all sorts of things, and my friends did not hang up. Instead, my friends provided insights from their own similar situations, words of wisdom, or simply found ways to make me laugh. My friends might not wear capes or have x-ray vision, but they certainly have the power to heal what’s ailing me when exercise isn’t enough.

How was I able to finish the half-marathon when my body hurt so much? I could have stopped, slowed down, or started whining (or swearing which would be much more likely), but I did not want to let Pat down, nor did I want to let myself down. I knew I could do it. “Mind over matter” as my mother used to say. I knew my body would heal later. Why is dealing with a sick parent or child much more difficult? Why do emotions overtake our heart strings and play us like an out-of-tune harpsichord? When my mother-in-law was in the hospital, a woman in the next room kept loudly moaning that she was sorry. She didn’t mean to be bad. She wanted help. I began reliving my mother’s Alzheimer’s disease and had to spend time in the chapel just to get my game face on for my husband and mother-in-law. I began to rely more and more on my friends’ gifts of clarapy.

And it is true. Friends are gifts to us. Over the past few years, I have been lucky enough to spend more time with my friends and my cousins. I have learned so much from them every moment we have been together. Many of them have seen me at my absolute worst: the death of my daughter, my mother’s illness, my brain tumor, the death of my dog, and the last few horrible months of my father’s life. These are the things that define me and have made me temporarily crazy.

After each sadness and heartbreak, the fogginess in my brain would begin to lift as my friends and cousins gave the gift of clarapy in their own ways. Those moments are stored in my memory so that I can pull them up at a moment’s notice as if I am opening the pages of an old picture book: Running in the Flint Hills with my cousin Sybil as an eagle soared overhead. After the death of my daughter, receiving almost daily phone calls or visits from my friend Vicki who listened to me talk. Or not. Hugging my friend Darcy at the end of my first road race after Gamma Knife surgery for my brain tumor. Receiving feedback on my writing from my friend Chris as I struggled with language and writing after the effects of radiation and medication. Watching manatees floating in warm waters with my husband and friends Peggy and John in Florida as we worried about my mother-in-law. Intentionally crossing the finish line in step with Pat at the end of a half marathon. The list goes on and on.

I am back in Michigan now running on the roads I find such comfort in. My mother-in-law continues to heal in our home. I try to make my husband laugh as often as possible. I have been working on my clarapy game with him and my friends. I will do everything in my power to give them what they need. It might be as simple as listening or running a race together. Perhaps sitting on a beach somewhere and watching the world go by in silence might be the order of the day. Or perhaps it will be in a way I have not yet imagined. I am ready. My blisters and bruises have healed for now. My heart strings are in tune. I am still thinking about the dog and the bicycle.


My driveway is not the yellow brick road.

My driveway is not the yellow brick road.

I’ve got the elliptical trainer blues, baby. This winter weather is so unkind.
I’ve got the elliptical trainer blues, baby. This winter weather is so unkind.
I can’t run on icy roads, and dangerous wind chills are freezing my mind.

I haven’t been able to run outside for over a week. Is this any way to start a new year’s resolution to run more and become more fit? The last time my running shoes hit the pavement—wait, the icy, snowy, dangerous roads, I practically had to crawl up a hill that I had managed to slip-slide down ten minutes earlier. What fresh hell was this? After the men in the DTE Energy truck shook their heads at me as they tried to avoid running over me on Killer Hill, I wondered if I should do the unthinkable: work out inside. This was the beginning of my winter madness—thus far—in my basement torture chamber, home of my elliptical trainer.

Higgins Lake snow dance

Higgins Lake snow dance

The elliptical trainer is new and somewhat beautiful, well, if you are into workout equipment. Our ten-year-old treadmill started spewing plastic parts and trying to strangle our feet by feeding the band into the motor. I decided to switch from a treadmill to an elliptical trainer, because I had a vague memory of working out on an elliptical trainer at a gym I went to a long time ago. Perhaps a new style of workout was just what I needed. ET would be my comrade in arms.

ET’s perfect face consists of a shiny screen with pre-set workouts of various resistances and speeds. Its arms move, whether or not you are holding on to them, and they are oh-so fit. No chicken wings for this wily girl. ET’s legs are sturdy—sort of like a hockey player’s legs. Although ET’s feet are enormous so that even a small elephant could go toe-to-toe and slow dance, it has a smooth glide to it. I feel as if I am cross-country skiing on it or replicating the sixties dance the monkey. I tried watching television as I became acquainted with ET. I soon found out that trying to navigate the remote with my right hand while ET kept throwing quick right jabs at my face just wasn’t going to work out. Come on woman, I said to myself, use your iPod! Pretend you are out running the roads and feeling happy. The moment I heard Miranda Lambert’s “Gravity is a Bitch” from my playlist, I felt as if I had been reborn.

Yes, ET allows you to stride, work your muscles, swear, sweat, and do it all to a beat, but it is not running. I want to break up with ET, but Mother Nature keeps flipping me off. Doesn’t she understand how much I miss not bonding with her? Doesn’t she miss my interaction with rude drivers on the road? I’m almost positive my husband misses hearing my ten-minute soliloquies about my daily running experiences. After I work out on ET, I trudge upstairs, look longingly outside as if missing a long-lost lover, and curse the snow and ice. The chickadees, blue jays, nuthatches, cardinals, and woodpeckers seem to sigh along with me as they shoot back and forth between the snow-covered pine trees before dipping down into the various birdfeeders in our yard. The deer tracks in the yard remind me that something is moving around outside at night. My tracks from snow shoeing several days earlier have all but disappeared.

One of my goals for the New Year, dare I say resolution and incur the wrath of those who say the word resolution is de rigueur, is to whine less about things I cannot control and do something about it instead. Well, dang! I also decided to swear less this year, but I blew that one about a minute after I announced it to the family. Should I create a new goal/resolution? Are goals and resolutions merely a lost cause for me in 2015? Absolutely not. I will continue to bond with ET until the dangerous wind chills die down, and the roads are somewhat safe. Although the sides of the roads are a little narrower now with all of the snow that has fallen, I will soon be out there waving at the snow plow drivers as I jump out of their way and give the peace sign to drivers who refuse to move over. My blues will evaporate the minute I hit the road in my hat, gloves, and several layers of clothing. I will breathe the rapturous fresh air. For the time being though, I think ET is in the mood for a little J.J. Cale: “They call me the breeze. I keep blowing down the road.”


Basement music

Basement music

The morning’s gray sky dripped with humidity and the promise of rain. I could not wait for the rest of my day to get started. The members of the band I used to be in were coming to my house to play music. For several years, I had dreamed of the ReCremains reuniting and playing music on my lawn with Higgins Lake as the background. Mother Nature laughed at this plan. After 1.5 inches of rain fell, I stared at the large green sponge that used to be my lawn. This was no place for electrical equipment. We would have to rock in the basement instead.

One of my former students, Christi, arrived first. Bandmates Lori and Kirker arrived soon afterwards and began unloading equipment from their car. Their amps, guitars, cables, and percussion instruments were added into the mix of my guitars, amps, piano, and keyboard. After figuring out a plan for setting everything up, we warmed up our fingers and voices by playing a few songs. Our friends, Peggy and John, arrived to watch the band perform. We chatted in between songs and awaited the arrival of Mike, Bill, and their families. We needed our piano man and our bass player.

Even though I was among friends and at my own house, I had performance anxiety. I had not practiced with the band for over a year. When I retired from Saginaw Valley State University in 2010, and my husband and I moved to Higgins Lake in 2011, the commute to SVSU became problematic. When my SBT (Stupid Brain Tumor) tried to take over my life, I wasn’t even sure if I could play guitar again.

There is something to be said for both a runner’s high and the way one’s brain works on music. When I was recovering from brain surgery, I soon realized that I always felt better when I ran every day and listened to music. I finally attempted to play guitar. Again. I started writing songs. Again. I read and reread books such as This is Your Brain on Music by Daniel J. Levitin and Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks. I soon discovered that although I could not remember things that happened six months prior, I could remember the words to practically any song I had ever heard whether it was Sinatra or Stevie Ray Vaughan. Music was the fix I needed; it was stronger than any medicine could ever possibly be.

After everyone else arrived, plus our neighbors from next door and my mother-in-law, Mike sat down at the piano, Bill fired up his bass guitar, and we began to play. I wished for our former drummer Frank, but he now lives in Virginia. I don’t remember what song we played first, but between songs, I spoke into my microphone: “I am so happy.” I repeated this many times throughout the afternoon and evening.

We ran through a bunch of our original songs, and when we played “Radio,” a song I had written years ago for the band, my fingers flew across my guitar, and my voice felt strong. We continued playing original songs we had written over the years: “Monkey Groove,” “Cream City,” “Carnival Clown,” “Swamp in My Heart,” “A Happenin’ Place (If You Happen To Be Dead),” “Highway Michigan,” “Lather, Rinse, and Repeat,” and so on. Occasionally we sang a cover song by the Stones or the Beatles. Christi sang Blondie’s “Rip Her to Shreds.” At some point, Peggy picked up a cowbell and joined us as we made merry music. We played “Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison for Peggy since she had requested it. We also received requests for an Elvis song, and Bill broke out some major bass moves while singing “Jailhouse Rock.” Bill’s granddaughter Alara requested “The Alphabet Song” and “Wheels on the Bus.” We gladly obliged. She sang along and danced. Similar to a runner’s high, playing music had kicked my mind into happiness overdrive.

Eventually we knew it was time to stop. We were all exhausted. Although we had taken a break to eat dinner, we had been playing music for close to four hours. Or was it longer? My legs felt as if they might break. My voice was hoarse from singing and yakking into the microphone between songs. My neighbor, Jessica, suggested stand-up comedy might be in my future. I may seriously consider that. Not!

When I went to bed that night, even though I was exhausted, it took a long time for me to fall asleep as I relived the night’s musical madness. The next morning, I went down to the basement and looked around. The room that had been alive with music and mayhem seemed different now. Better. I had rocked in this basement with friends.

When I still taught at SVSU, author Ken Follett came to campus one year. My husband and I were lucky enough to be invited to the meet-and-greet. Instead of talking about writing, we ended up having a short conversation about playing guitar. He said that playing in a band made him a much better player. I realized this was true. The more I played music with Mike, Frank, Bill, Kirker, and Lori, the better I wanted to be as a musician and a songwriter. When Brei and Danielle, two SVSU students at the time, sang with us for a short while, I wanted to be a better singer, although I knew my alto voice could never compete with their vibrant sopranos. Despite this, I began to feel more confident.

Although Mike still encourages me to play lead guitar licks during songs, I still freeze up the moment he motions towards me. I am happy playing rhythm guitar and singing. I know I am the worst musician in the band, but they put up with me. They also seem to like the crazy songs I write, and with guidance from members of the band, those songs have become better than when I penned them as I sat alone with my guitar.

I am already planning on next year’s event: August 2015, on the lawn, under the light of a bright full moon. I am thinking of songs we could cover: “Moondance,” “Werewolves of London,” and “Fly Me to the Moon.” But it is the ReCremains original songs that really highlight the heart and soul of this group of musicians. Our poetry. Our brains on music.

Cremains circa 2010

Cremains circa 2010


Full moon rising in June

Full moon rising in June

Imagine yourself sitting on the beach. You are enjoying the beauty of a skier zipping by you. You remember the days when you could jump the wake, fly into the air like some bikini-clad acrobat, and your slalom ski carved the waves like a surgeon’s scalpel. Now that you are older, you imagine bursting up through the water as the line pulls you forward, and releasing the rope almost immediately as you wonder if your arms are still connected to the rest of your body. Or perhaps you are out for your morning six-mile run, and the traffic has increased dramatically. Instead of ten cars passing you or trying to run you off the road, you now have fifty drivers frantically trying to get somewhere with no regard to your well-being. Instead of chirping hello to the usual suspects out on the road, you are now greeted by a bevy of skinny-pony-tailed blondes running past you or young men wearing the shortest of shorts and no shirts. At least they all wave at you—the tinsel-haired woman weaving down the road in her bright pink running shoes, trying to sing along to her running playlist and breathe at the same time. Then boom-boom-boom-boom—it is as if someone had twisted John Lee Hooker’s song into some sort of nightmarish blues ode. People are detonating what sounds like small bombs somewhere just because it is the 4th of July. Dogs bark. Babies cry. You swear. You miss the month of June.

There’s some sort of cosmic tilt in the universe when June transitions into July at Higgins Lake. In June, the mayflies may or may not come out, mosquitos roast marshmallows on your legs if you sit by the campfire at night, and the houses along the lake remain empty as if they are cottage-shaped morgues waiting for the night shift to arrive. It is quiet. You can think if you go outside at night. You swear you can hear the pulse of a distant blue star and slight variations in tempo as waves roll into shore.

When the 4th of July weekend arrives, you start to feel as if you are being forced to listen to the worst radio station ever as it alternates between AC/DC and Celine Dion. Not only are you thunderstruck, you wonder if your heart really will go on, because the constant boom, boom, boom, boom from bombastic fireworks have made you paranoid. You jump when your husband opens the refrigerator door. You cringe when you hear the thumpa-thumpa-thumpa of someone’s stereo as they cruise by you during your morning run. You consider sleeping in your bedroom closet, because it might be the quietest place in your house. You pray for a downpour that is biblical.

In June, you were happy. You ran the Higgins Lake Sunrise Race with your husband and son. Even though you ran the race like a newbie, starting out too fast, imagining Commander Cody’s “Hot Rod Lincoln” pushing your pace, and finding yourself at mile 4 suddenly in Jabberwocky territory—you had become a slithy tove—you were happy as you chugged across the finish line after 6.2 miles. There were no booms to celebrate the accomplishments of people of all ages, shapes, and sizes. Instead, people clapped and shouted words of encouragement, and as you made your way to your family, smiles and words of congratulations rang through the air. You realized that you wished all celebrations could be like the end of a road race.

Although the people not far from you on the lake believe in the bigger-is-better school of fireworks, they must also realize that there is beauty in quiet fireworks. As the glowing reds, blues, greens, and yellows floated silently on the water, you could hear the oohs and aahs of people watching the show. But then a screamer or a boomer would spit through the sky as if no one could truly appreciate fireworks unless they were fracturing the night air.

It reminds you of running a race. Everyone is working hard with the same goal in mind: the big finish. But you know that it’s what comes after all of the hustle and bustle that allows you to appreciate what’s right in front of you. You will sit on your dock on a quiet evening. You might hear the murmurs from people’s conversations as they sit around campfires or voices carrying across the water as people cruise by in their pontoons. The sky will be an open book of possibilities. Chickadees, robins, and mourning doves will serenade you as you breathe in the scent of pine and wildflowers. You look forward to a good night’s sleep in your bed, the windows open, welcoming the night air.